Looking over my blog entries I realize it's been almost two months since I posted one brief paragraph about my brother, ending with "To be continued." It's been that long since I've talked to my family too, even though I'd promised to keep in touch more often. And I don't remember the last time I talked to any friends, even thought they've tried calling and have left voice mails. About the only communication I've done with anyone has been in writing on line.
Many things have happened to me over the past few years that have put me in this frame of mind. (See previous blogs, from May and July of last year, and January of this year.) I had been pretty out of it before, but then when my brother died in a senseless accident, it really impressed upon me how insane life is. I cling tenuously to my belief that somehow God will make sense of it, but I haven't been feeling sociable.
As it turns out, tendency towards depression runs in my family. In addition to that though, I long ago got into a habit of trying to escape from life by living in my head. Fantasies can be a pleasant diversion from time to time, but it seems as if I have a hard time grasping the reality of some things these days. Sometimes I try running the words "Bud is dead" through my head and it just doesn't compute. But other times I am overwhelmed with emotions - not only about him but about my mother, and about my life in general.
When life gets too painful (which is most of the time nowadays) I can't bear it and so I have to focus my mind on other things that don't hurt. Sometimes those other things involve music or TV or movies, other times it involves fantasies, other times it involves Bible reading and studying. But the way my mind works, things of God and the Bible seem like just another fantasy to me. It's hard to tell what's real any more.
In addition, fleeting thoughts of "I should do such and such" are often brushed aside, only to be remembered again after much time has passed. I used to do this when Mom was alive, but not as bad. I'd think I should call her, and then space on it. Then I'd think, I need to call her but I have to say something about why I haven't called. Then the longer I put it off, the worse it gets and the more of an explanation I feel I have to come up with. My sick mind at work. As I say, I did this before but I find I do it even more now, and much time passes in a fog.
I know this is something I need help with, and I am in the process of trying to find the right source of help. This is complicated by the fact that my wife and I are also in the process of changing doctors and health insurance. But I am hoping and praying that it all gets worked out soon. In the meantime, if anyone reads this and feels inspired to pray for me, please do. And for those who haven't heard from me in a while, please bear with me.
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